


A Lightless City

by Chibi_Mochi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Romance, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-24 23:55:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30080304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibi_Mochi/pseuds/Chibi_Mochi
Summary: Unhappiness exists because of happiness - Woo WonjaeKiyoomi had always wondered what happiness is and if he'll ever be happy. He actively searched for it, desperate to have it in his hands, not knowing he'll understand and feel it in the most unexpected ways.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 7





	A Lightless City

Kiyoomi sat on his bed, his eyes gazing out of the window. Everything looks beautiful from where he's sitting, the light, the stars, the moon, everything shines brightly. But to him, all those lights mean nothing because all he sees is a lightless city.

Kiyoomi sighs as he lays down. He stares at the ceiling he's talked to for countless days and whispers the same question he asked for the entirety of his life, "what's happiness?"

Kiyoomi chuckled when five minutes passed, and no one answers. Of course, no one will because he's talking to a ceiling, but even if he was talking to someone, he's sure all he'll receive is either a flustered expression accompanied by an awkward chuckle or the answer he's always despised because it doesn't make sense, "Happiness is when you find joy and contentment,"

Kiyoomi scoffs as he recalls those responses to his question. He couldn't blame them because he himself doesn't even know what the answer to that is.

"I wonder what it feels like to be happy?" He asks himself and continues to stare at the ceiling. He tries to recall the last time he was happy, but his memories were a blur, and the only thing he could remember is the sadness that continues to linger.

Kiyoomi closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as his thoughts run to the same conclusion, "You'll never be happy,"

**-*-**

Kiyoomi wakes up the next day and walks into his bathroom. He opens his medicine cabinet and takes out the same container that held the pills supposed to take away the sadness he's feeling. But all it ever did was make him feel like his only shot at experiencing happiness are the blue and white capsules sitting on his palm.

He stares at them for what seems like forever before popping them into his mouth and washing them down with water. He looks at himself in the mirror and tugs on both ends of his lips to form a smile that rarely graces his face.

_Why can't you just be happy?_

A question he asks himself every waking hour before sighing and giving up. He takes his towel from his towel rack. He enters the shower to let hot scalding water run down his skin in a desperate attempt to feel something else aside from the loneliness and sadness he wakes up to every day. But it seems like even his skin wasn't willing to let him feel something else because the pain of his burning skin was nothing to him.

Kiyoomi then walks down the stairs to their living room. He's welcomed by his mother with a kiss and is welcomed by his father with a hug. They both greeted him good morning, and he says the same even though he doesn't know what's so good about mornings.

He takes a seat in front of his father and says his thanks to his mother for their breakfast. Breakfast proceeds the same way as usual, with good food and warm words from his parents.

Kiyoomi should be happy. He has parents that love him and support him. People told him that they'd love to switch places with him and that if they had his life, they'd be the happiest people in the world. But why isn't he?

_That's because you're an ungrateful piece of shit._

Kiyoomi thinks to himself because what other reason could there be aside from that. He lowers his head and clenches his fists as the self-deprecating thoughts start to gnaw at him. He wants to silence the voices in his head, telling him that he doesn't deserve the life he's living. He shouldn't be the one sitting with these wonderful people he calls his parents. Someone else deserves the life he has, not him. His mother and father deserve someone who knows how to appreciate them. Someone who can smile and laugh with them, not someone who offers nothing but constant visits to the hospital.

_You don't deserve any of it. So, why are you still here?_

"I have to go," Kiyoomi says and immediately stands up to leave the table. He doesn't want to lose himself in front of his parent again. So, he kisses their cheeks and bids goodbye before grabbing his bag to leave for school.

**-*-**

Kiyoomi enters the school grounds of Itachiyama with his usual frown. He walks past everyone and politely bows at those who greet him. He takes his seat and waits for the only person he could tolerate to spend the rest of the day with.

As Kiyoomi silently stays in his seat, the whispers of his classmates start to enter his ears. He shakes his head in an attempt to shake them off, but that didn't work.

**He's so weird.**

**Why is he like that?**

**We shouldn't associate ourselves with him. That's for sure.**

**I don't want to go near him. I feel like I'll suddenly become depressed just by being near him.**

Those are words Kiyoomi has heard multiple times. He shouldn't care. He should be used to it, but it still hurts when he hears them, and those few words are enough to send him into a spiral.

Kiyoomi clasps his hands together and lowers his head on his desk. He takes deep breaths to calm himself as he tries to silence the voices in his head. He can feel his stomach churning from the thoughts running in his head, everything's a mess, and the words are buzzing in his ear. He could feel himself running out of breath as he desperately chases after the demons that are wreaking havoc in his head.

"Stop," He whispers to himself as one hand moves to clutch a fistful of his hair. He wants them to stop, but the more he begs, the more they run free. He can hear their laugher ringing in his ear as they celebrate him kneeling in front of them while pulling on his hair.

_He hates it. He hates it. He. Hates. It._

_What if someone sees? What if-_

Kiyoomi raises his head when he feels a hand on his shoulder. His eyes immediately scan the entire room to check if anyone saw him spiraling down. He sighs in relief when he sees that no one saw.

_Don't be so cocky, Kiyoomi. You're not a person worthy of anyone's time._

Kiyoomi throws his head back and closes his eyes.

He knows that. He knows that not everyone is eyeing his every move. But he could still feel phantom eyes watching him like how a predator watches its prey.

"You okay?" Komori asks and sits on the empty seat in front of Kiyoomi. The latter opens his eyes to look at his cousin before shaking his head.

"No," One word, two letters, and yet saying it feels like his soul had been sucked out of his body.

He could feel himself starting to feel exhausted despite using up just a few hours of the day. It's making him feel pathetic, but isn't he always?

"Do you want me to bring you to the infirmary so you can rest?" Komori asks. There was evident concern on his face. Kiyoomi knows Komori's offer was best, he needed to lie down and let sleep take over him, but he decides to shake his head, "no, I can continue."

_Liar. How can you lie to the only person who's been with you through thick and thin?_

Kiyoomi scoffs, there it goes again.

**-*-**

Months passed, and Kiyoomi attends his first InterHigh as Japan's top spiker. He never liked the title because of the pressure that comes with it. But he lets people refer to him with that title.

They arrive at the gym, and everything goes by like a flash. It's nothing new, and he's sure that soon enough, he won't even remember the matches he had, similar to how he had easily forgotten about all of the matches he's attended back when he was in middle school.

Kiyoomi sits on the bleachers, eyes focused on the team playing in front of them. Nothing seemed special to him, not until he saw a certain blond enter the court. Kiyoomi couldn't tell what made him gravitate towards this person. Something about him was drawing Kiyoomi's attention, making him slump forward and keep his eyes on him.

Kiyoomi could tell he's an amazing setter from watching all of his plays, but it's not the reason why he couldn't keep his eyes off the blond.

It was the smile plastered on the blond's face that made him pay attention. Inarizaki's setter seems happy.

Each service ace made him smile, each perfect set and spike made him grin, each block and point won made him scream in pure bliss. He seemed so happy that Kiyoomi was intrigued. He wanted to know what made him so happy just playing volleyball.

To Kiyoomi, volleyball had been nothing but something he needed to stick to because it's the only thing that could keep him distracted. It's the only thing that could keep the demons at bay before his head hits the pillow and he's alone with them again.

The setter looked so happy that it made Kiyoomi envious. He wanted to be happy too. He wants to have what that setter has. He wants it. He's desperate for it. He wants it so bad that he wanted to get to know him. But the desire to be friends with the blond was shattered when he saw the way the setter glared at him after losing.

The blond was staring at him with an intense gaze. His eyes could've held rage, hatred, or annoyance. Kiyoomi couldn't tell. But there's one thing he's certain of, the person who he thought could teach him what happiness is, had slipped his hands, and he's left once again wondering.

_Will I ever be happy?_

**Author's Note:**

> You can find the fic graphic on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/screamerist_/status/1371828385802981381?s=20)


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